Four Seasons façade

From the Berlin Night series by Jens Komossa, one of my major inspirations in night photography

WIndows

Spinning Camera, Walking. Paul McCarthy, 1971, 16mm film, black-and-white, silent; 2:57 minutes.

i think TT

is dying !

?

PORTRAIT: CORINE ST OFLE

to the lady with pretty flames in her eyes


(ps why does the photo cut off at the sides? ee)

Haunted

Isn't being haunted really just remembering too well the stuff you'd be better off forgetting but can't?

Gawd, that's emo. I'm haunted by Elliot Smith apparently.

Haunted. Patricia

1. I am a direct descendant* of the most famous of Romanians--Vlad the Impaler (otherwise known as Dracula).
*Ok, I'm exaggerating. But you never know!

2. Outside our window for almost a month now. Nothing stirs him (not rain, not bad weather, not my severe knocks on the window). You decide his origin:

St.Ofle – Vegetarians Taste Better

I saw this bumper-sticker in the parking lot at SCC (I had some time to kill, and went searching for this very reason).
I photoshopped the hell out of it, because of the glare in the original photo.
(I like disclosing these things, it makes me feel more honest)

Anyway

I recently read an article linking cannibalism to atheism. The argument goes that if there is no god, then there is of course no significance to being human. If there is no significance to humanity, humanity is not sacred. If humanity is not sacred, what's the point of not eating another human?

Needless to say, I wasn't impressed with this argument.

trend

Trends come and go, there is no need to pay attention to them. Silhouettes, forms, texture, spatial relationships, movement, patterns, and color harmonies are forever. Lagerfeld's mixtures of black, white, tulle, and tweed. Lacroix's innovative scupltural shapes. Prada's composition and simplicity. You don't need $35,000 for a Chanel couture suit, beauty and innovation is everywhere. This drawing is pencil on paper, her dress is made from a used coffee filter.

Trend - graciela.

I was poor 20 years ago. I was cheap 9 years ago. I was thrifty 2 years ago. Now, they just categorize me as a recessionista, a consumer trend that is keeping the economy from growing. Who knew that the debt I never accrued and frivolous spending I never did would've ruined our economy if everyone else adopted such a personal monetary responsibility. Because overspending and running a national GDP made up of mostly debt worked out so great for us.

Trend - Jessalyn Wakefield

You like the trend of longer hemlines because you prefer your imagination. What cannot be seen is always more captivating than what is revealed. You come from your head. You write me letters, imagining me smoking out the window of my room. Imagining me reading in the bath. Painting for me pictures of myself in solitude. But I am rarely alone, and I like my skirts short. I quit smoking and I lost the stopper for the drain. Is being held spellbound, in fact, the way you prefer to be held.

am i human

intoxication - michelle suzanne

So contrary to what I have thought nearly my whole adult life, I discovered recently that NOT drinking helps me sleep better. Not to say that I am intoxicated nightly, but even just a few beers out a show on a weeknight and I find myself tossing and turning all night, only to fall asleep right before my alarm clock goes off or just waking up every half hour. As much as I love drinking, I love sleeping more. So I am trying my very hardest to drink a lot less. Funny, when I wasn't trying not to drink it was no biggie, but now that I am forcibly trying not to drink, all I can think of is cold delicious beer and sweet sweet vodka and wine wine wine. Cheers.

Long Exposure -- St.Ofle

I think this is the closes you can get to getting a baby high.
Orson and I have been playing with long-exposures between naps.
This is him doing his best to sit still.

Intoxication .Patricia.

China is celebrating its 60 years of communist rule with intoxicating parades and displays of might. It's even attempted to control the weather and dispel interfering clouds with shots of iodine. Last night the Empire State Building was lit red and yellow in its honor. No cold war here.

Enthusiasm in me.

I'm enthusiastic about our abilities. Yesterday, while sitting in class and running my fingers through my hair, I saw a gray hair come out. I always like to look at my silver strands, but I quickly noticed that this one was half brown. Neat, a transitioning hair, but wait! the brown was coming from the root end? I more than triple checked to see if I was seeing things correctly. I ended up holding onto the hair for the rest of class. I have this book that has an index of all these ailments and our potential mental patterns that create them. I have used this book to heal myself and prevent sickness for years now. Last year I noticed how many gray hairs I was getting since I had started school. Then looking up something else, I saw the book even listed gray hair. The probable cause was listed as "Stress. Belief in pressure and strain." Um yes, that's school life but I guess it doesn't have to be. And now I have some proof (to me) that this belief is changing. Yay.

Anytime I find success in relation to this book, I dance like Billy here:


I now have the hair taped to my wall in my studio as a reminder.

Enthusiam - Michelle Suzanne

also known as having a really good time (hargt if you are in the know)

PURE UNADULTERATED COOL COLLECTED ENTHUSIASM

Enthusiasm

Indeed.

enthusiasm

Not food.

I could have painted some food, but instead I've decided to go a little off topic. I feel it's important to post about beauty products, many of the natural and organic products out there contain many synthetic ingredients. Chemicals and preservatives that have been banned for use in food are still found in our cosmetics, hair products, and other toiletries. Ingredients that have been banned for cosmetic use in Asia and Europe are used here, the United States has the most relaxed cosmetic standards in the world. In fact, the FDA does not review – nor does it have the authority to regulate – what goes into cosmetics before they are marketed to salons and consumers.

Many relatively safe chemicals have names very similar to the stuff you want to stay away from. It's important to know which is which. I check my products and ingredients at a website created by the Environmental Working Group called Skin Deep.

My Aunt Cathy died from cancer yesterday. I know so many people who have had cancer. I often ask myself "where does this come from? what has changed?" Residents of Marin County, Ca were found to be at a higher than normal risk for developing breast cancer. After extensive studies researches came to the conclusion that the cause was not found in the water, soil, or air. The study found that affluence, education, and life style were the primary reasons behind the increased risk. There are many reasons that women develop breast cancer, but scientists pinpointed higher alcohol consumption and bearing children late in life, as the specific causes of breast cancer in Marin County. These findings were compared with results of studies done in Malibu, Beverly Hills, and the upper-middle class areas of New Jersey, Maryland and New York. Researchers noticed higher rates of breast cancer in these areas too. I believe it's possible that this may be due to higher consumption of beauty products and chemical treatments of affluent women. If I had more money I would buy more products!


Two SF Gate articles about the study:
Breast cancer amid affluence

Marin County rate blamed on lifestyle, demographics

Twenty breast tumors were tested and parabens were found in every sample. Researchers believe the chemicals seep through the skin, especially while bathing when pores are open. Parabens have created a big debate over their safety, they seem to mimic the action of female estrogen which may explain the growth of cancerous breast tumors. The cosmetic industry says their safe, but there is room for doubt. Many women are concerned with deodorant and antiperspirants, presumably because of aluminum content as well as parabens. I use Tom's Of Maine deodorant, the apricot smell is nice and it does a great job.

Another one to watch out for is sulfates. Sulfates are responsible for the bubbling suds effect of soap mixed with water. I was surprised when I read this, it basically reduces every shampoo I have ever used to dish washing detergent. A study at the Medical College of Georgia, indicated that sulfates penetrate the eyes and prevents children's eyes from developing properly and caused cataracts to develop in adults. The main problem with sulfates is that they clean by corroding. This is very damaging to our skin and hair and may lead to skin rashes and chronic acne. Sulfates strip the protective lipids from the skins surface so it can't effectively regulate moisture. Our skin compensates for this harsh dryness by becoming oilier, which perpetuates the problem. Sulfates in toothpaste may lead to ulcers. The scariest problem created by Sulfates is hair loss, follicle by follicle.

Another serious problem is the possibility of nitrate contamination. Sulfates react with other chemicals in your products and form nitrates, cancer causing carcinogens. To compound the problem it appears that sulfates have a higher than normal level of absorption, they can penetrate our skin deeply and are retained in our tissues for a very long time. A study published in the Journal of the American College of Toxicology found that “high levels of skin penetration may occur at even low use concentration.”

Parabens and sulfates aren't the only concern. I've heard of cancer causing sun screen, tooth paste that wears away your enamel, lip stick with lead in it, mercury and formaldehyde in mascara! I encourage you to check everything and research every chemical, you can't be too safe! Cosmetic companies are responding to the demand for cleaner products, although the products I've tried have been hit or miss. Recently I purchased Physician's Formula Organic Wear mascara, and I was very impressed. It smells like oranges and honey and washes off easily. It's certified organic by EcoCert.

New York Times: Natural, Organic Beauty

The Washingtonian: More than Skin Deep

Organic Beauty Magazine

Green America: The Ugly Side of Cosmetics

The Campaign for Safe Cosmetics, this website has information about the cosmetic laws in Canada and Europe

All Natural Beauty, this website has tons of recipes for homemade beauty treatments.

Food - Michelle

One of my favorite topics, favorite hobbies, favorite part of life! I could probably write a book about food, just babbling about this and that, but what I want to tell you guys is that Portland has no good Mexican food. I miss Sacramento for this reason alone (besides my friends and mom of course). I have found myself enjoying substandard burritos and telling myself that actually it's pretty good. I have found only one place with actual salsa and not water red or green hot sauce. The best chips and guacamole come from a place that is always incredibly busy and is also incredibly small, oh and did i mention that chips and guacamole is like 6 bucks? not to mention their tacos which are $3 a pop and tiny. I made my own fish tacos last weekend because i have been craving them all summer and cannot seem to find a decent one in this city that isn't covered in pineapples, or lacking flavor, or hardly any fish. Now I'm no fish taco connoisseur, but I know that I like my fish tacos (or any tacos for that matter!) basic. Delicious fish, either grilled or fried, a little bit of lime/sour cream sauce, pico, cabbage. Maybe some hot sauce if I am in the mood. Doesnt sound that hard! I might get some guff for this, but I would pay probably like $20 for 2 Jimboys fish tacos right now. When I go to Sacramento in October you better believe I am stuffing my face full of those amazing greasy perfect things. So back to the fish tacos that I made last weekend. They were AMAZING. I took pictures, and I would post them but I dont have time right now, so if you are so inclined, and want the recipe etc., check my food blog next week for the details. So, in conclusion, cherish the amazing mexican food available to you in sunny California!

st.ofle -- french foodie interview

For today’s topic, I thought it would be nice to conduct an interview.
It was actually perfect, because the biggest foodie I’ve ever known was right in my house – Corine’s mom, Cécile who is visiting from France.
I'd also like to add that she's probably the sweetest, funniest lady on earth, and as far as mothers-in-law go, I'm pretty lucky!

I typed this interview and translated it into English as I was talking to her, so please ignore any spelling mistakes (there are a few).

St.O: Maman, I do this blog thing – do you know what a blog is?

Cécile: yeah, it’s something for school, right?

St.O: not really, anyway, do you mind if I ask you a few questions?

Cécile: About what?

St.O: food

Cécile: of course not

St.O: What is the most important thing about food for you? What does into making something a good meal?

Cécile: The most important thing is the quality of products that you cook – very important!
The ingredients – yes.
You can’t good a meal with garbage, you know.

St.O: Do organic ingredients matter to you?

Cécile: Often organic things have a good taste, but good taste in general is more important than organic produce, yes.

St.O: Ok, so Nicolas Sarkozy (French President) makes a law that say you have to only eat one thing from new on and forever, what do you pick?

Cécile: (long pause) RICE! Basmati rice!
Rice has a taste all to itself – if only one thing, it’s rice you don’t have to add anything – rice is delicious alone, and it’s so simple. If it’s going to be the same thing all the time, it’ll get old no matter what, so it might as well be cheap and easy to cook, so I pick rice.

St.O: good answer
So, what are you most excited to give to Orson when he is ready to eat things other than breastmilk?

Cécile: hmmm. A good high quality beef tri-tip!

St.O: you know that’s not likely to happen right, as both of his parents are moderately vegan?

Cécile: (ignores me) -- cooked to perfection, like the steak houses you have in the united states do.

St.O: by you, or by someone else?

Cécile: By me. It’s easy to cook, but there again, it’s the quality that maters. Sadly, there’s no steakhouses like you have here in California in Paris, but I think I can make do.

St.O: that’s what you think. Can you talk a bit about the different culinary traditions with which you’re familiar?

Cécile: You mean West Indian, French, and American?
We can’t really talk about American cuisine – it’s generalized – I discovered it through Californian cuisine, and just trips here to see you and Corine. But California cuisine isn’t really American cuisine, is it? Especially with both of you being vegetarian, I don’t know if I can talk about American cuisine with any authority.
I can see West Indian cuisine in what you and Corine eat though. West Indian cuisine is influenced by latin-american cuisine, and latin-american cuisine also influences Californian cuisine. Didn’t’ this used to be Mexico anyway?
Anyway, French cuisine is really really refined – now I can talk about French cuisine. In France every region has it’s own specialty, its own special dishes, and smells. I can tell you a lot more about French cuisine than American cuisine, because there’s a lot more to tell.

St.O: This is hard because I translate what you’re saying, and type at the same time

Cécile: I understand

St.O: Have you noticed that things have changed since you were a kid, for example?

Cécile: I don’t’ think I’ve lived long enough to see changes that are that big, but yeah, there has been an evolution – sure! You can go into the supermarket now and buy already done plates – things that are ready to eat! We can make an entire meal without cooking at home!

St.O: Do you think cooking is on its way out?

Cécile: No, No. I don’t think so

St.O: When you go back to France, what will you appreciate having the most?

Cécile: Not meat – Not really fish -- What else
Aha! Croissant and coffee!

St.O: You want to say something about American coffee?

Cécile: You already know how I feel – it’s sock juice – it’s disgusting!
Whenever I talk about the US, I tell people never to order coffee here – they give you watery coffee in this huge glass (holds up a coffee mug) it’s just gross.

Food - graciela.

I don't agree with Anthony Bourdain's claims that vegetarians eat bad food and that they hate good meals. The problem is that most people don't know how to cook vegetables properly. Steamed veggies are definitely not my idea of eating. I partake in the dying art that is cooking from scratch. When done properly, vegetables amaze in soups, casseroles, even home made pizza. The hell with semi-homemade and fuck prepackaged dinners from the super market. Meat tastes good, I do remember that, but us vegetarians and vegans don't hate food. Anyone who truly cooks, loves food.

Food also tastes best when you've grown it yourself. If only cities abandoned the lawn for plants that can feed its citizens. If I can do it, you can too.

When Richard told me that this week’s Topical Thursday topic du jour was about food, I got really excited. There are few things that get my lard-laden blood pumping faster than the promise of enlightened discussion about all things gastronomic.

But before I begin, let me make it clear that I’m a recently converted carnivore who spent more than seven years before the leafy celery mast of vegetarianism. I’m not interested in discussing the ethical ramifications of eating all things cute and or fuzzy, but rather the sweet, sweet science of eating food that my friends (who are infinitely more talented then myself) have prepared. There is no better feeling than cracking open a cold one, sitting around the table, and getting BBQ sauce in various locations around my mouth. Other than making love (the way I do it anyways), eating with one another is the single most bond-tastic thing you can do. Having dinner with one another should be a required activity for families, friends and people you see on the street that you shoot smiles at because you know that if you ran into each other somewhere else (like dinner maybe) you would totally hit it off.

Now that summer is winding down, the chance to cook outdoors is dramatically dwindling. I suggest you stock up on the Sriracha, box wine, and Netflix so that this winter you can get closer with the people you want to get closer with.

Eat something good and don’t forget to invite me cause y’know I can’t cook for myself.

Food

Early in my childhood, I can recall the pleasure I took in eating food. Our relationship was simple; food was delicious so I ate it, and I loved it. There was no concern for the nutritional or caloric properties of food. There was never a second thought. I adored food so much so that my mother threatened to lock it up while she was gone if I did not gain self control. And I cried so much so, as I did not know what I would do without it.

Ultimately that relationship turned sour as I found myself at age 19 weighing 250 lbs. Food could no longer cover for the fact that I was alone and miserable. Nor could it shelter me from the consistent banter of heartless adolescent girls.

It was then that I decided food and I were over. With a mounting interest in nutrition, I knew what was to be done. I cut out food. For six months I ate 600 to 800 calories a day, and I loved it. This restriction was so severe that chewing gum was limited, if not entirely avoided, as I thought to myself, “Do I really want to eat 5 more calories…?” As this went on, I shed 130 lbs.

At 21 years old and 120 lbs., I looked in the mirror and saw the same monster that food helped create; still overweight and still undesirable, even to myself. The endless amount of attention I began to receive was meaningless to me. I wanted to have food in my life again and be a normal young adult. I started eating, but I couldn’t keep it down. I taught myself how to vomit, and that was fabulous for awhile.

No one knows about my year long struggle with bulimia, as I have never been caught in the act, nor have I written about it in my diary. As with most of my disgusting habits, I was able to stop on my own, but not entirely as I will confess, I have done it within the past month.

As I am happier and healthier now, food and I will never be the same again, as our relationship has gotten better, but not entirely.

FOOD

found object:

grocery list, stuck in with the gums and mints at a checkout aisle at Safeway..
i picked it up and scanned it for R St. Ofle but i'll post it here too..
i especially like the "Snovers Dinner" and "variety of shasta sodas" hehehe

Belated Guilt Post

I just realized the irony of me not posting last week for the topic of guilt. I was going to feel too guilty if I posted the picture I had intended on posting.

gilt

Corine -- Coupable

Whatever it is, doesn't it look like that guy did it?
(Polaroid taken during Bay2Breakers 2009)

Guilt

I have to take issue with the number of posts this week that proclaim the uselessness of guilt. Thanks to the way I was brought up, I could write a treatise on the topic, but that's not my mission tonight. I was going to post something else entirely on today's topic, but then I was struck by these posts.

Like most things in this life, too much guilt is toxic and it can lead to manipulation. But lack of guilt is just as toxic. I see too many people who refuse to take responsibility for anything that they do badly. I see too many people who blame their parents for the way they act in adulthood. I see too many people who refuse to feel guilty for hurting others. Too many instances of kids brought up without a sense of guilt who run amok and have a mammoth sense of entitlement. Kids who act like they're the center of the universe and expect to be treated like that; they turn into adults who act like kids.

As children, we all have an innate sense of guilt in us. Parents can increase and manipulate it to their advantage, or they can extinguish it altogether. There is a healthy balance somewhere in there.

I'm guilty -- St.Ofle

I can't be too honest.
My beloved grandfather died a few moths back.

I didn't go visit him in the hospital as he was dying, though I easily could have.
"don't! you'll regret it, he's in too bad of shape -- he may not even recognize you" people said.
Well intentioned, they told me stories of how people they knew had died, and seeing a dying person is a mess (they said).
"You want to remember hi the way he was"
Feeling it was the right thing to do (for myself) I didn't visit him.
Now I regret it.

I think it's selfish.
The thing a dying human wants the most is to feel loved.
The last thing any dying human wants is to feel marginalized, or forgotten.

This is a portrait I did of my handsome (and now dead) grandfather.
(He was the Richard from whence this Richard got the name Richard)

I'm sorry, I'm guilty.

Guilt and remorse are one and the same for me. Wanting to go back in time and make amends. Wanting to know what to say to make sure the same sad things don't ever happen again. Shame is in there too. Being ashamed of not doing more or doing something better. Feeling guilty that I feel guilty. Feeling ashamed that I spend my precious time feeling guilty.

The worst kind of guilt is the one for the thing that happened that I had no control over. It's the Smiths song, played backwards and at a terribly slow speed, making me analyze every, sad detail and annoying the shit out of me. Guilt is a useless emotion, but it's the one I'm stuck with.

OK, time to go for a walk in the sun and be grateful.

toothache

Guilt is an equivalent of physical pain. When we feel pain, we know something is wrong physically. When a person has a toothache, if he (or she) is smart, he'll go to a dentist and take care of the problem. It's hard to ignore that kind of pain, usually it only gets worse with time. But when guilt is involved, you can be sure something is wrong on another level.

GUILT

"guilt" - noun: a feeling of responsibility or remorse for some offense, crime, wrong, etc., whether real or imagined.

it's one thing to not take responsibility for yourself, but don't let yourself get caught up in the game of guilt, which is often used as a tool of control over you by society or an individual. you deserve good things, and you deserve to do well !

alone

Excessive solitariness is not good for you. For example, it has been found that people who live alone are far more likely later in life to suffer from Alzhimer's or dementia.

(The above images are a part of a series I did for a school assignment over the course of this spring.)

Recluse - Jessalyn Wakefield

There was a clear moment in my life when I understood that if I did not learn to be completely alone with my Self in a room, without a phone, without the Internet, without friends lovers books radios noise communication anything, if I could not learn to be in a room with my Self and only the presence of my Self for days, weeks, months, that if I did not learn this I would, quite literally, die.

So I learned.

Recluse. Patricia

1. I found this on all-knowing Wikipedia:

"In Japan, an estimated 1.2 million people are part of the phenomenon of 'Hikikomori' or 'social withdrawal' has become a major problem, often blamed on Japan's education system and social pressure to succeed."

(I had nothing to do with the badly constructed sentence).


2. I can't help thinking of North Korea.

3. Recently I was having a conversation with some people about the biblical basis for Christian monks and monasteries. I'm still not sure it exists.

4. I'm really angry at my aunt for home schooling her youngest kids and quite possibly turning them into social recluses.

Recluse/Balthus

I painted this two weeks ago, it's very small. I have nine or ten other paintings waiting to be scanned or photographed. I have become slightly reclusive, but I don't feel guilty about it. Time alone can be very therapeutic. I see my friends and enjoy the outside world, but on my own terms.

When I was 18 I went to San Francisco to study art, I was ahead of many of my classmates. Like my hero Balthus(it rhymes with recluse), I began painting and drawing as a very young child. It's the best training you can have, to learn to draw as you are learning everything else is a gift. I am thankful for it, art is intertwined with everything I have ever known. So, I pleaded with the school to let me skip the preliminary courses but, we never saw eye to eye. They argued that they were foundation classes, and I argued that they were a waste of my money! Needless to say they won, and I got A's with no effort. I was able to complete my assignments quickly, I used all of that free time exploring the city; climbing fire escapes, sneaking into hotels, running from crackheads, looking for the best views, using the neighboring apartment complexes heated pool, and just having the perfect time.

Now, it seems that I get a surge of energy at night, especially on the weekends. Maybe I am more nocturnal than reclusive, so often they seem to go hand in hand. I could use that energy to go out at night and party, and I do. However, more often than not I give into the urge to devote myself to the process of painting. It's more fulfilling than anything else I could do. I feel that there are secrets to attain, ideas to discover, magic waiting to happen, ideas wanting to come to fruition, and just so much more to learn.

I recently read Bathus' memoir. It was written before this death, and published after. This was done at his request. He is another famous recluse, he was rarely photographed and never gave interviews. He resisted any attempts at creating a biography, at his retrospective at Tate Modern he simply stated "Balthus is a painter of whom very little is known," Knowing how much he prized silence makes me deeply thankful for his words, they have been inspiring and comforting. When I read them I feel like I am reading the letters of a friend whose ideas and philosophies are the same as mine. Often a chapter starts in the middle of a thought. He discusses his painting rituals and a fear of dying before his work can be completed. I understand that and internalize it, I cannot put off what demands to be done. It would be wrong to. I am a servant of painting, painting does not serve me. Painting will continue if I don't, and it must be ritually seized.

So, with this comes a process of reconciliation. A balancing act. Having the right energy at the right time, acting when the idea strikes, and choosing not to become a recluse and not to feel guilty.

recluse -- st.ofle

I've been reclusive.
but only in the morning and at night.
and because having a baby does that.
I'd also like to add that I've fought it, and been out every day.

last night, and this morning I took these with Orson during his nightly "calming" drive.
it's quite peaceful actually, until the car slows for a stop light or sign, in which case orson lets the wold know how much he likes going instead of stopping.

Recluse-Sapphire Cordial

I typed the word “recluse” into google image search and the first full page was filled with brown recluse spider pics and brown recluse spider bite pics. No images of  26 year old girls cursed with wanderlust, or representations of  avoidance of previously frequented social situations that seem pointless and counter-productive.

There was however, a photograph of 31 year old Li Guoxing, an unfortunate Chinese dude who was attacked by a bear in 2006 and afterward became a recluse due to the disfigurement of his face. The picture (if you really want to see it, google his name) is pretty grisly/grizzly (sorry, I couldn’t help myself), but out of some morbid curiosity I took a closer look and found out that Gouxing later became the second ever recipient of a face transplant. Dangg.

Any time something bizarre like this catches my attention, I assume it as some sort of teaching or sign and try to relate it to my own life somehow. There is the obvious “be thankful for what you have” lesson, which is always valid, but as I was considering this in comparison to my recent afternoon spent alone in a graveyard, from which I took a similar introspective deep breath, I read that in July of 2008, Li Guoxing died. Aw, man.

I’m not really sure how to feel about this. I was trying to find more recent pics of him, to see how he healed up after the surgery. I was rooting for him. Now I feel let down (thanks a lot internet, for not telling me of his fate in the first place) and even sadder at his awful circumstances. If he’d stayed a disfigured recluse he would probably still be alive (though there was no autopsy performed, so his actual cause of death is undetermined), but he probably could have written a gripping “I survived” style auto-biography.

So I guess I’ll knock on wood and present myself with the following question: Would I want to live if I were cut off from all human contact? Granted, that’s a very extreme example of “recluse”, but for argument’s sake lets say I signed some kind of deal with the devil where I got to keep my face (I don’t even want to take into account how that kind of disfigurement would effect my psyche), but was not allowed any human companionship, ever. No friends, no lovers, no one.

Right now, when I choose to be alone it feels healthy and welcome, but honestly if there were no option I don’t think I could make it. At first I’d read all the books I’ve been putting off reading, I’d write and draw and make crazy sculptures. But after a while, I think I’d lose all my inspiration and become sullen and start to lose my mind (unless maybe there was a clause where I was still allowed go on Facebook.). After a longer while I’d probably die of a broken heart.

So I think the lesson here is thanks-giving after all. I’m thankful I have a curiosity of new places. I’m thankful for all the seemingly non-productive social situations I can choose to attend. I’m thankful I’ve never had a run-in with a bear or had to have plastic surgery, and last but not least, I’m thankful that I’ve never been required to choose between two absurd extremes and report my decision to Tim Curry.

That was a close one

RECLUSE

vampire, nocturnal, whatever

i am becoming more and more reclusive..always have despised the sun. it's 5AM and i don't have much more interesting to say on the subject except, here is a little article about some famous recluses..

and this one too.


oh, and this guy..
(sorry for the nightmares, self)

!

Vanity

This is me in 3rd grade. I was sick of having bangs so I cut them off myself. My mom was upset and told me she wouldn't fix them. I don't think I cared (but maybe I did. I should ask her if she remembers this event). I hated that cowlick of extra poof on the side of my head and it wouldn't go away. It was there every day.
I wish I had more pictures of me at this time, cause this picture cracks me up!

Vanity

Self-portraits. None of these look like me, which is why I must keep practicing.